You Are Not Your Father
by AJOregon
Summary: Kelly Severide and the aftermath of losing Benny with a little help from his friends.
1. Chapter 1

Chicago Fire

Season 7 Episode 6

All The Proof

* * *

As Casey, Severide and Boden walked out of the firehouse they couldn't help but smile when they saw Gorsch trying to figure out how to get his car out of its parking space, having been sandwiched in between Casey's truck and another large truck. The three nodded at each other before splitting in three separate directions to their prospective vehicles for their twenty four hours off.

Kelly drove from the firehouse to the diner where he was suppose to meet Benny...he was the one who picked the place and after having breakfast and three cups of coffee Kelly was ready to give up. "Can I get you anything else?" The waitress asked him.

"My old man." Kelly mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Just the check, thanks." He said without looking up.

Rather than handing him the check she wrote him a note saying it was on the house and thanking him for his work at the CFD before sneaking off to the kitchen, not giving him a chance to argue. He left a $20 on the counter anyway and walked out, once again trying to call Benny before he made his way to his car.

When he got in he dialed another number. "Halstead." His friend answered.

"Going up to the cabin to fish." Kelly said, hoping that Jay would pick up without him having to ask.

"Gimme an hour?"

"21?"

"Sounds good." Jay said before hanging up the phone. The two hadn't spent a lot of time together but they occasionally shared a beer at Molly's and talked some after Erin left for New York and he had helped Jay out a few weeks ago when he needed it. Kelly stopped by his apartment and grabbed a fresh set of clothes before heading over to CPD. "You want to talk about it?" Jay asked as he climbed into Kelly's mustang, throwing his bag into the back.

"Benny flaked."

"Ah." Jay nodded. It made more sense why he called him now, Daddy issues were another common thread the two shared.

A short while later the two were sipping beers sitting on the small dock a few steps from the cabin, "How are you and Will doing?" Kelly asked. He didn't know their dad but was at Molly's and made sure Jay got home safe the first few nights after he passed.

"I don't know how he does it...he is all about Nat and Owen...like losing Dad is nothing to him...or at least that is how he acts around me...but I am sure that is because he doesn't want me to worry anymore about him than I already am with the case..."

"What case?"

"Had to turn him into an informant after the feds saw him make a damn house call to their suspect...that's whose hall they are using for the wedding..."

"He okay with that?"

"He hasn't told Nat."

"Fucked up week. Gorsch is making 51 Hell for all of us."

"You asked Benny to talk to Grissom."

"He was suppose to meet me for breakfast this morning...his idea...and he didn't even show. Same old Benny...if we lose Boden because of all this shit...I just...I cant lose anyone else." Kelly said as he held his bottle.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence Kelly whispered, "Even after all this time the first person I wanted to call...that I tried to call..was Shay..." Kelly told him, looking up with tears in his eyes, "Then I wanted to call Erin...I didn't even think to call Stella until after I talked to you...and I just sent her a text telling her I would see her on shift tomorrow...how fucked up is that?"

"Slightly less fucked up than me getting myself shot a couple weeks ago and you had my back then...that's what friends are for right? To save your ass when you are going off the deep end?"

"Sometimes I don't know...if I lose anyone else...I cant take it...it is so hard sometimes to hold it all together...and at the house I have everyone counting on me and I...Stella is one of the ones counting on me..."

"Anyone ever tell you that dating a coworker is a bad idea." Jay snickered, thinking of Erin, "You know I have your back."

The two talked as their bobbers bobbed along the shoreline as the day passed and the sun went down. When they finally went into the cabin they silently prepared a canned dinner before laying down on the bed shoulder to shoulder. When Jay heard Kelly take a ragged breath in he reached across and tugged his hand on the back of Kelly's neck. Touch. The one thing that Shay and Erin always used to calm them...and it worked. "I've got you." Jay said, barely a whisper in the dark as Kelly rolled over and put his head on Jay's chest. Kelly had done the same for him after dragging his drunk ass home from the bar after his Erin left, and again after his father had died.

"I just cant lose anyone else." Kelly mumbled, "You know?" As much as he was pissed at Benny for flaking he was more worried about losing the Chief, the one constant in his life since he had been a teen...and Jay knew the feeling all too well.

"Yeah Bud...I know...I got you." Jay said tightening his hold around his friends shoulder. "Try and get some sleep, I got you." Jay said before closing his own eyes, counting Kelly's breaths to relax himself, something he used to do as a child with Will on the rough nights.

The next morning Kelly dropped Jay off back at CPD before heading to 51 and going straight into his office. "Hear from Benny?" Stella asked as she stuck her head in the door. Kelly shook his head without looking up, "I'm sorry." She told him as she sat down on his bed.

"Ah. Its typical." Kelly said taking a slow breath in, he really didn't want to talk about it.

"Yeah, but don't beat yourself up...I mean, you were trying to help the firehouse...you did the right thing." She tried to sooth him.

"Did I?" He asked...already beating himself up, asking his father for something was just going to build his hope only to have it crushed again...typically Benny.

"Okay...you know what? I am just going to get out of your hair..." Stella said as she backed away from her very tense boyfriend before walking out the door leaving him alone.

"Stella..." He said looking towards the door, half of him wanting her to come back...pissed at himself for being like Benny and pushing away her love.

A few minutes later his phone rang, "Severide." He said without looking at the caller id.

"Kelly." Jay said softly..."I'm at med...its Benny."

"What did he do now?" Kelly almost yelled into the phone.

"He had a stroke man. Will said to get here as soon as you can."

"Fuck."

"I will be here."

"I will be right there." Kelly said before hanging up the phone. He ran into Casey on his way out, "Tell Boden I had to go to med."

"Why?"

"Benny had a stroke." Kelly said, not stopping to talk and texting Stella as he walked.

Jay saw Kelly arrive from where he stood with Will in the ED and saw Ava walk over, pulling Kelly aside. "I'm sorry...we did everything we could...your father passed away ten minutes ago."

"What?" Kelly asked, feeling like the floor had disappeared.

"I'm so sorry." Ava told him.

Jay was at Kelly's side in an instant as he saw him sink into the wall and he just knew... "He cant...Benny is...fuck Jay..." He mumbled in shock. "Last thing I told him was Boden was a better father than he was...and when I thought he flaked he was really having a stroke...who found him?"

"The housekeeper called 911." Maggie answered as Jay put his hand on the man's shoulder.

"Can I see him?"

"They are getting him cleaned up now. I can come get you when he is ready." Maggie told him.

"We will be in the waiting area." Jay said, leading Kelly out the double doors. "Need to tell Stella, Casey and Boden." Jay told him after they sat down in the first row of seats and Kelly handed him his phone, leaning back in the chair in shock...his dad...Benny couldn't be dead.

"Boden." The Chief answered.

"This is Jay Halstead, Benny didn't make it." He told the Chief and Kelly choked back a sob next to him, Jay quickly pulled him into his side.

"We will be there shortly."

"Thanks Chief." Jay said hanging up, Stella calling at the same time, "Halstead."

"Where's Kelly?"

"Benny didn't make it...we are in the waiting area of the ED."

"Didn't make it? You mean...?"

"He needs his family right now." Jay said squeezing the back of Kelly's neck. "We will see you in a couple minutes." He said hanging up the phone.

Stella walked in to see Kelly leaning into the Detective and sat down on the other side of Kelly and rubbed his back as he leaned into Jay, her wishing she could be enough for Kelly but glad that Jay had been here. "I should have been there." Kelly finally said wiping his eyes on Jay's shoulder before he leaned forward on his knees, staring at his hands.

"Kelly you didn't know." Stella said rubbing his back and he picked up his head and looked at her unsure of what to say.

"I will go see if we can get your back there yet." Jay said, "Okay?" He asked, trying to give Stella a chance to get through to him but doubting he would let her.

"Thanks Jay." Kelly said looking over to his friend, his friend who always seemed to understand...hell, he had just lost his own father and the two had talked about it only yesterday.

Stella kept her arm around him as he sat staring at his hands until Casey and the crew from 51 walked in, "What happened?" Casey asked Kelly, coming to a stop in front of his friend.

"The cleaning lady at his place came in he had been alone for..." Kelly trailed off.

"Kelly, Can you come with me please?" Maggie asked, interrupting his thoughts. Kelly quickly stood up and followed her through the doors, Casey squeezing his shoulder as he walked by.

Jay was standing with Will outside of the room as Maggie led him back and Kelly reached out for Jay's shoulder, "Go in when you are ready, take as much time as you need." Will said before leaving Kelly with the his brother and Maggie.

"You don't have to do this alone." Jay said, squeezing Kelly's shoulder.

"Will you?" Kelly asked him and Jay nodded before pulling the door open and leading Jay inside where Benny was covered with a fresh white sheet.

Jay looked at Kelly and when he nodded he pulled the sheet down from Benny's face and tucked the sheet around his arm so that Kelly could hold his fathers hand, touch his face if he wanted. Kelly stared at his father for a few minutes before putting his hand over his fathers, "I was so pissed at you...I...you are my Dad...were my dad...fuck...why?" Kelly whispered.

Stella walked in and came up behind her boyfriend, not surprised to find Jay in there with him and put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing the hair on the back of his neck as he held Benny's cold hand. When Kelly finally pulled his hand back Jay stepped forward and covered Benny with the sheet as Stella ran her hand through Kelly's hair. "Take your time."

"Kelly, where do you want them to take him?" Maggie asked him.

"Uh...I don't...Jay what did...just do what Jay did..."

"Take him to..." Jay said clapping Kelly on the shoulder and leading Maggie out of the room answering for Kelly.

"What do you want me to do?" Stella asked Kelly.

"Tell them not to wait around...take it back to Herrmann's. I have to..." Kelly trailed off, staring at the sheet.

"How can I help?" Stella asked, Kelly just shrugging in response. "I love you." She whispered before kissing Kelly's cheek in goodbye. When Stella walked by Jay she reached out her hand and squeezed, "I don't know how to help him." She admitted.

"Don't let him push you away." Jay told her before nodding at Kelly and walking into the room. "Told Maggie to take Benny to the same place we took my old man."

"Thanks." Kelly said, looking up at Jay with tears in his eyes, "I don't...what I said last night...I never thought it would be Benny..."

"Why don't we go over to the Chapel...let them take Benny and..."

"Will you stay?" Kelly asked him, "I...I could use someone who..."

"Told you last night Bud, I've got you." Jay told him, "Give me your cell and I will let the Chief know where to find you." Kelly stood up and handed Jay his phone, "Don't think Stella is going anywhere anytime soon either."

"I always went to Shay...I don't know how to..." Kelly said, putting his hand on top of the sheet one last touch. "Can we go?"

"Yeah Bud." Jay said with a sad smile leading him through the ED to the Chapel, texting Boden and Stella where they would be.

Kelly sat down on the pew, his hands clasped together he put his head in his hands. Jay sat next to him without saying anything but wishing he could take his friends pain away. When the Chief walked in he nodded to the man and traded places with him going to the back of the Chapel and sitting down next to Stella and putting his arm around her.

"The last thing I said to him...was that you were a better father to me than he ever was...and then...then he does nothing...I ask him for one thing...despite...every alarm bell in my head telling me not to...its the same old Benny...he never..."

"You don't know." The Chief cut him off, making Jay and Stella look up at the two.

"I don't know what?" Kelly asked his father figure.

"Your Father stepped in Kelly." Boden told him. "He stepped up, with Grissom. I've just spoken with the Commissioner. He met with him personally, talked about the situation at 51...about how it not only affected me, but the whole house...how it affected you. Every bit of goodwill, every piece of political capital, every favor he was ever owed...he put it on the line to appeal to the Commissioner to back off 51. And it worked...Gorsch is gone...your father told Grissom...that I am the type of leader...who molds good men into great ones...and that you, Kelly...you're all the proof he needs to know that that's true...those were the exact words that your father..." Boden said, choking on his words.

As Kelly bent his head down to his hands, tears flowing freely from his eyes, allowing a sob to escape his throat Boden put his hand on the young Lieutenant's back. The harder the tears fell the more he leaned into his Chief until the Chief pulled him into his chest. "I can't do this." Kelly said, just barely loud enough for Stella and Jay to hear and they jumped forward, rushing up and surrounding Kelly.

"Jay?" Kelly asked, reaching for his friend.

"Right here Bud." Jay said as Kelly turned from the Chief to him, burying his head into his neck. Stella and the Chief both had tears in their eyes and they watched Kelly melt into his Detective friend.

"You were with Kelly last night?" Stella asked.

When Jay nodded the Chief asked, "What was last night?"

"Benny didn't show up for their breakfast at the Palace..." Stella said.

"We went up to the cabin." Jay said holding tighter to his friend, he knew Kelly was blaming himself for Benny having been alone...and found by a housekeeper instead of himself.

"It isn't your fault." The Chief said sternly. "You didn't know."

"I could have gone to..."

"To yell at him?" The Chief questioned.

"I would have found him at least..."

"Do not...no what if's." Boden told Kelly. "Benny was a pain in my ass for over two decades...two things I know about him...one...he loved you Kelly...as horrible as he was at showing it...he loved you...and two he cared about CFD and the men who served this city."

"His other family does not know yet...my sister...my mom...I need to tell them before they see on the news or something..." Kelly said sitting up and wiping his eyes.

"I can call..."Jay told his friend who nodded and handed him his phone.

"I need to call Katie." He said before telling him what number for his fathers ex-wife.

Jay held Kelly's head into his shoulder as he spoke with Benny's ex-wives, promising to let them know when the funeral would be, surprised that the women did not ask how but only asked how Kelly was and if there was anything that they could do for him. "I don't know how to tell Katie or my mom." Kelly whispered when Jay handed back the phone.

"When is the last time you talked to Katie?" Stella asked.

"Last week." Kelly answered sitting up, Jay kept his arm on his back. Tears fell from his eyes as he dialed his half sisters phone number. "Hey Katie." He said when she answered.

"What's wrong?" Was the first thing she asked hearing the tone of his voice, "Kelly?...Are you okay?"

"Benny...uh...Dad...he died." Kelly said, his voice breaking.

"I am coming...I can stay at my moms." Katie said and they could hear her shuffling the phone, "Are you alone? Tell me you are not alone!" she practically yelled into the phone.

"Not alone." He said choking back a sob as he leaned heavily into Jay's shoulder, "Can you...?"

Jay took the phone from his friend and held his head into his shoulder, "Hey Katie. This is Jay. Do you want me to book you a flight or..?"

"Take care of Kelly." She ordered, obvious she was crying as well. "I already have one booked...Alaska. Will get in tonight and will have my mom get me."

"Call Kelly's phone if you need anything." Jay said before hanging up. "Kelly do you want me to call your mom?"

Kelly shook his head and took the phone, dialing his mom's number. "Hi Baby, Surprised to hear from you." She answered.

"Benny's dead." Kelly said with a very shaky voice.

"I will pack a bag and fly up tonight. Kelly I am sorry." She said and Kelly nodded, not actually answering and allowing the phone to drop from his ear.

Jay reached out and took the phone, "This is Jay, let us know when you land and we will meet you at the airport." Jay told her.

"Jay?" Jenny asked, "How?"

"He had a stroke...Kelly got to Med a few minutes after he passed."

"Tell him not to blame himself and that Benny was a stubborn asshole and wouldn't have asked for help even if he knew he was dying." She said loud enough the four heard and Kelly nodded into Jay's shoulder.

"We've already told him."

"Do not let my son be alone...after Anna...he...please don't leave him alone."

"I promise I will keep him safe, see you in a few hours." Jay said before getting off the phone, Stella and Boden both looking at Jay questioningly as Kelly clung to him.

"I knew you had a hard time but..." Boden said reaching over and squeezing Kelly's shoulder.

"Kelly do you want to head over to Herrmann's?" Stella asked gently.

"You go...I need...I need to sign the papers and Jay will take me over to the funeral home to do that stuff...you two...go to Herrmann's...we will go there when we are done." Kelly said taking a deep breath and sitting up.

"Are you sure? I can stay with..." Stella tried to say but was interrupted by the Chief.

"Severide is in good hands. Lets move out."

As Boden stood up so did Kelly, wrapping his arms around his Chief's shoulders and burying his head for a minute as the man who was like his father held him tight. "Love you, Son." He whispered into Kelly's ear as he kissed the side of his head as Kelly nodded, squeezing the man tight before letting go and turning to Stella.

"Have patience with me." Kelly whispered as he hugged her.

"I'm not going anywhere Kelly." She said before taking his face in her hands, "I love you, you pain in the ass." She smiled before kissing him on the lips.

"We will be at Herrmann's soon, will finally get to drive his car." Jay smirked at his friend who fished in his pocket and handed over the keys.

Jay squeezed Kelly's shoulder after he pocketed the keys and led him back to the ED where he spotted his brother, "Paperwork is on the table in the break room." Will nodded to the door at the end of the hall.

It didn't take long to fill it out everything and the two were soon at the funeral home that Jay had used when his father died. Jay led him in and to the front desk, "Hi Callie...Benny Severide is..."

"He is here, already had everything pre-arranged, just need to update a few things and then we will need whatever outfit you want him buried in and we will do all the paperwork then."

"I will bring his uniform in tomorrow."

"I will make sure everything else is ready to go tomorrow then." She told him with a sad smile.

"Thank you Callie." Kelly said reaching out to shake her hand. "Thank you for taking care of Benny." he said, voice cracking again.

"Come on Bud." Jay said leading his friend out and back to the car. Jay gave him a minute to compose himself before turning to him, "Herrmann's or to see Shay?" Kelly leaning forward with his head in his hands was all the answer Jay needed, "Shay it is." he said backing out onto the road and heading towards the cemetery.

The two sat in the car at the cemetery for almost a half hour before Kelly finally got out, walking over to her gravestone and clearing the fallen leaves from her name. Jay gave him his space and when Kelly was ready he walked back to the car and nodded to Jay before closing his eyes and leaning back in the seat. Jay drove over to Hermann's and parked in the driveway and looked to his friend, "You want me to go with you or..."

"Stay...please." Kelly said, opening his eyes and turning to look at Jay.

"You got it." He said as he opened his door, "Lets go then. You have about three hours before we are going to pick up your Mom."

Jay followed Kelly into the house and went over to stand by Casey, Herrmann and Boden as Kelly sat down next to Stella who was trying to get him to eat something. "How's he doing?" Casey and Herrmann asked in unison.

"He is Severide." Jay said shrugging, "Doesn't like the attention on him."

"Why are you so worried about him?" Boden asked.

"His reaction to Anna...and Shay..." Jay said looking over at Kelly.

"And Andy..." Casey mumbled.

"We went by the cemetery on our way here." Jay told them.

"He can stay at my place." Casey said, "Wouldn't be the first time."

"We are going to pick up his mom in a couple hours. He will be fine at his own."

"Thank you." Herrmann said, "he needs an eye on him."

"The last few weeks he has been here for me...now it is my turn." Jay said to Herrmann who knew all too well before meeting eyes with Kelly across the room, it was usually Molly's that Kelly had dragged Jay home from.

As a few of the guys told stories around the living room about their memories of Benny more and more people from the CFD started to show up at the house, some retired, some stationed at other firehouses across Chicago. Seemed that everyone knew Benny...and everyone made sure to point out just how much the man loved his son. It bothered Kelly though and eventually he stood up, "Hey uhhh...can I get everyone's attention? I know you all know me...but Benny has other kids. Benny uhhh...he wasn't the greatest family man but they love their Dad...try not to forget about them with everything...just...Benny wasn't perfect...he was..."

"He was human." Jay said walking over and putting a hand on Kelly's arm. "To Benny!" Jay said, raising his can of root beer. Kelly looked over at Jay ready to snap but seeing only love and compassion on his friends face his eyes instead filled with tears. "Lets go outside for a minute." Jay whispered to him before leading Kelly out the back door to the patio.

"Fucking Benny...as much shit as he has put me through...to hear stories about how amazing he was...fuck Jay...I cant fucking do this." Kelly said a little too loud.

"You know how these old guys can get." Casey said coming out and putting his arm around Kelly's shoulder, "He did just get Gorsch off of our backs though so..."

"That is what he wanted to tell me at breakfast...he could have been in there alone for..."

"I talked to Will and he said the kind of stroke it was...Kelly even if you would have found him it wouldn't have changed..."

"I could have said goodbye." Kelly said, "I could have told him I loved him." He spit out as Casey leaned into his shoulder. Jay reached over and put his hand on his back for strength.

"He knew Sev...your old man knew." Casey told him and Kelly turned to bury his face in Casey's arm.

After a couple minutes Kelly picked up his head and pulled back, "Sorry." He whispered.

"Don't do that." Casey said, pulling his brother back into him, "Do not shut me out. Through everything...you are my family."

"I...Shay...she...I need..." Kelly disjointedly choked out.

"Severide." Jay said quietly, "What would she tell you to do right now?"

"I...its...I...fuck..." Kelly tried to answer.

"It is okay to not be okay." Jay and Casey said at the same time. Kelly nodding as tears slid from his eyes.

"You just lost your Dad." Jay continued, "If you weren't upset we would be really worried."

"Fuck you both." Kelly said with a small smile knowing they were right.

"Love you Brother." Casey said.

"We got you Bud." Jay reminded him.

"Hey Severide...you..." Herrmann stuck his head out before stopping mid-sentence and walking over and wrapping his arms around the young Lieutenant. "Cindy just wanted to know if you wanted to eat anything before she put the food away."

"Thank you." Kelly said to his friend, "for letting us take over your home...I just..."

"That is what family is for." He said before letting go of Kelly.

"You up for making a lap before we head to the airport?" Jay asked.

"Will you..."

"Stick close?" Jay finished, "I think the three of us can rotate around and cover you."

"Casey?" Kelly turned to look at his brother.

"Yeah Sev...I got you."

The next hour passed quickly and Jay knew that it was exhausting Kelly to plaster a smile on his face and laugh and joke around with all the brass from CFD. Before leaving Kelly pulled Stella aside and went into her apartment next to Herrmann's home and plopped down on the couch. "This sucks." Kelly said as Stella hovered over him.

"You want me to stay with you tonight?" Stella asked, "I don't want you to be alone."

"Jay is taking me to pick up my mom at the airport."

"I can do it."

"Yeah..I know, I just...uhhh...he...we.."

"You have each others back...I get it. I know he just lost his dad...I just...I have your back too."

"Sev?" Jay asked, sticking his head in the open door. "Time to head." He told them before going back out.

"I have to go get my mom." Kelly said pulling back from Stella. "Please just...I am not good at this stuff...you know that...I just...I don't have to worry about hurting Jay's feelings or doing something wrong and with you...I just...I don't want to screw up."

"Kelly..." Stella said after he stood up, "You aren't your old man. No one thinks you are." She said as she stood up and walked up and got in his face. "What he did for the firehouse...that is great...but what he did as a father...you love him...he just didn't know how to love you."

"Don't." Kelly said feeling his eyes well up with tears. "Benny was..."

"He was your Dad." She said as she pulled his face down so she could kiss him. "And you love him." When Kelly took a deep breath and nodded she pulled him in for a hug, "You call me, I will be there." She said as she let go and walked him out to where Jay was waiting with Casey, Herrmann and Boden who all took their turns hugging Kelly before the two made their escape and got into the car.

"We have a little over an hour until her plane is scheduled to land. Try to relax." Jay said as he pulled onto the road. He turned the radio on low as he drove to O'Hare, looking over at Kelly every couple minutes as he stared out the window wondering how long he would be able to hold it together.

"She can see right through me." Kelly said, looking over at Jay.

"She is your mom." Jay said, glancing over at Kelly.

"I do not want her to know that I have thought about suicide." He said. There it was. The S word. The word that no one wants to talk about...the thing that very nearly killed an entire hotel full of innocent people less than a day before. "Shay knew...Erin knew...how do I..." Kelly said, his voice breaking, "I don't want to have those thoughts again but I..."

"You cant help the thoughts...trust me...but you can help how you react to them. Telling me...saying it out loud... fuck Sev...you are not the only one...I promise you...you are not alone."

"All I learned from Benny was what not to do...to run when things get hard...to push everyone away who gets close...and I have lost everyone I have gotten close to."

"Are you scared to be alone?"

"Yes."

"Then I won't leave you alone."

"What about her?" Kelly asked, running his hand over his face, "I don't want her to worry about me."

"You lost your Dad."

"That doesn't matter."

"No. Whatever you are worried about...she loves you. Her first question was if you were okay...you know what she told me after I told her how Benny died?" Jay asked, "She told me to take care of you...to not leave you alone...she already knows Severide...she knows you suck at losing people you care about...and she loves you anyway."

"I don't know how..." He said, his voice cracking.

"The way you grew up...you didn't have people looking out for you...you went into a job where your co-workers are family and you eat sleep and work together relying on each other to stay alive...but you have been in a position of leadership since you were what...23? You let Shay in...let her protect you and she was killed...you haven't allowed anyone else to protect you...am I wrong?"

"Erin."

"Erin didn't protect you...not like Shay did...Erin made sure you got home safe after getting drunk with you...you didn't talk to her...she said you were too scared to talk."

"I talk to you." Kelly said, more of a question.

"Yeah Bud...you do."

"And you have..."

"I have your back."

"What I said at the cabin...I never even thought it would be losing Benny."

"You were afraid of Boden retiring...I know."

"Benny was invincible...untouchable...and now he is dead."

"And you are not alone."

"Feels like I am." Kelly said as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. "Severide." He answered.

"I am landed. Kelly are you here?" Jay overheard his mom ask.

"Pulling up now. Alaska hub." Jay said as he parked along the curb.

"I am coming." She said sounding like she was running and Kelly and Jay both got out of the car, opening up the back so she would have somewhere to sit once she came out.

Two minutes later she came running out, carrying only a small duffel bag that she dropped as she reached her son, jumping into his waiting arms. When Kelly put her down she had tears streaming down her face and Jay wrapper her into a hug, "You ready to go home?" he asked her, looking over her shoulder at Kelly who looked like he was ready to pass out.

"Can we order a pizza? We should have food and I know Kelly doesn't keep any in his apartment." Jenny smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"We can definitely order a pizza." Jay smiled, letting go of his friends mom and tossing her bag in the back before she climbed into the backseat. Jay and Kelly taking their places in the front.

"How are you doing Kel?" She asked, reaching her hand over and putting it on his shoulder.

Kelly looked over at Jay who was looking at him, "I've been better."

"Are you thinking about doing anything that will..."

"I don't want to be." Kelly answered honestly, leaning his head back in the seat and closing his eyes.

"Is there anything we have to do for the funeral?"

"Need to get Benny's uniform delivered to the funeral home. I have it handled." Kelly answered her.

"Jay do you think we can go by Benny's apartment tonight so we can drop the uniform off to be cleaned and we can drop it at the funeral home tomorrow?"

"Kelly?"

"I...just stay close." He answered after a minute.

"To Benny's." Jay said heading towards their dads apartment.

Up to that point Kelly never questioned why Jay was at Med or how he knew what had happened to Benny but when he pulled into the parking lot for the apartment he turned to his friend and raised his brow. "The case I was telling you about...same block...was at Med when Benny came in and heard them say his name."

"How bad was he when he came in?"

"Unresponsive."

"Okay." Kelly said as the three climbed out of the car. When they got to the door Kelly pulled out a key and let them in. He led them into the living room, the only thing that was out of place was the placement of the recliner that had been moved to make room for the stretcher.

"Kelly where did the housekeeper find him?"

"I didn't ask."

"Kitchen." Jay answered.

"Was he in pain?" She asked, making Kelly drop down onto the couch, he hadn't thought of that until now.

"From what my brother said, no...the stroke was caused by a clot in his brain and basically the animal instinct took over and focused on powering his heart and lungs...only that part of his brain was still working...so no speech...not able to move...and not able to think. He was clinically brain dead the second that he had the stroke. When the housekeeper found him he barely had a pulse and was taking a breath only a couple times a minute." Jay said going over and sitting down next to Kelly.

"He wasn't in pain?"

"Nope."

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"You didn't ask." Jay shrugged, "She did."

"Last time I was here I..."

"I know Bud." Jay said putting his hand on Kelly's shoulder, "He knew you loved him." Jay told him.

Jenny squeezed her sons shoulder as she walked by heading into the bedroom and pulling his uniform from the closet. "What pins does he need?" they heard her ask a few minutes later, Kelly didn't respond and as Jay was getting ready to he heard a "Never mind...found them." She came out a few minutes later holding a couple picture frames.

"You find everything?" Jay asked when she walked out.

"Yeah." She said, tears in her eyes looking at her son and holding the frames out. One had his step brothers and the other had a photo of Kelly, maybe five years old sitting in a fire truck and one of Katie and Kelly laughing in the kitchen of the firehouse. "How old were you Kell?" Jenny asked putting the photo in front of Kelly's face but it was like he was looking right through it. "Jay?" She said looking to her sons friend.

"Severide?" Jay asked, making sure he was touching the skin on the back of his neck and Kelly started to hyperventilate. Jay pulled him into him and he crumpled into him, he cradled the mans head in his neck and held it into him. "Breathe with me." Jay soothed, "In...out...in...out...I got you...keep going...in...out..." It didn't take long for him to calm down and Jay felt the tears soak into his shirt.

"Kelly?" His mom asked as she sat down on the arm rest of the couch, "Lets go back to your house so you can get some sleep."

"You have the uniform?" Jay asked.

"Uniform and photos." She answered.

"Come on Sev." Jay said quietly to his friend.

Jay took the keys from Kelly and locked the apartment behind them and followed them down to the car, stopping for pizza on the way back to Kelly's loft. When they got back to the apartment Jay unlocked the door and let them in and Jenny set the pizza on the kitchen counter. Jay set Jenny's duffel next to the couch before following Kelly into his bedroom where he sat down on the bed. "I don't know how to do this?" Kelly mumbled.

"One minute at a time." Jay said sitting down next to him. "And know it is normal for every fucking minute to suck."

"Feels like a bad dream or something."

"It gets worse before it gets better...going through all of your Dad's stuff...stuff he never thought anyone would see...feels like you are invading his privacy but he cant do any of the stuff for himself...deciding what to keep and what to get rid of... picking out different things for the funeral..."

"At least you had Will to help you with stuff."

"Your Mom is here and Katie will be here...you have me and Stella and the rest of 51 you can have help too."

"Will you...Jay I...will you keep me from totally losing my shit?"

"Same as you helped me Bud."

"Come and get some pizza before it gets cold." Jenny called from the kitchen.

"Thanks for coming up here Mom." Kelly said, walking in and hugging his mother.

"Anything for you Baby." She said kissing him on the cheek. "Where is Stella?" She asked.

"She was at Herrmann's. She is going to meet me at Benny's tomorrow to help start go through things...I want to try and find that medal of his and need to figure out what he had in his will and finalize the funeral stuff."

"You don't have to do everything all at once." Jay said, taking a bite of the pie.

"Mom you can go ahead and take my room...I don't think I am going to get much sleep."

"No. You are going to sleep in your own bed."

"Okay." He said looking down at his hands.

Jay put his hand on his friends shoulder, "Sev?"

"Will you?" Kelly asked.

"What do you need Baby?" Jenny asked.

"Told Kelly I would stay here."

"Jay how did you and Kelly meet each other?"

"I work for CPD...our paths cross on occasion for work...started to spend time together after Erin moved to New York."

"Fishing and going to Molly's mostly." Kelly said shrugging.

"Fishing buddies huh...you could have just said he was your best friend Kelly." Jenny smiled at Jay.

"I lost my Old Man last month and Kelly...he helped me get through." Jay told her.

"Now you are going to help My Kelly."

"Jay was at Med...he saw Benny and called me."

"And you have been with My Kelly all day?"

"Stella was too until we left Herrmann's to pick you up." Jay answered.

"You are not Benny." Jenny told her son who looked like he wanted to throw up.

"Hey." Jay said, trying to get Kelly's attention, "You need to sleep." When Kelly shook his head Jay got a little closer and whispered, "Scared?" A nod. "I got you." Jay promised his friend leading him into his bedroom.

"It should be my girlfriend here." Kelly shook his head, frustrated with himself.

"You can call her and she will be here."

"Don't want her to see..."

"You think the nightmares are going to come back?"

"I am in a nightmare." Kelly said as he kicked off his shoes, "Told you last fucking night that I couldn't lose anyone else and this morning I lost my fucking old man."

Jay took off his shoes and laid down on top of the comforter and setting his gun and his phone on the side table. "You need to sleep."

"That's just it though...I don't know how." Kelly said sitting down next to his friend.

"Helps if you lay down."

"Ass." Kelly said laying down next to Jay.

"Come here." Jay said, reaching his arm out and Kelly who rolled into him and put his head on his chest.

Jay put his arm around Kelly's shoulder and held him into him. Almost instantly Kelly relaxed into him and was asleep. Jenny stuck her head in a few minutes later and took a throw blanket out and covered the two young men. "Thank you for being here for my Kelly." She whispered as she sat down behind Kelly and ran her fingers up and down his back making her son hold tighter to Jay and whimper.

"I got you Bud." Jay said, leaning his cheek against Kelly's head, "You are safe."

"Don't want to be Benny." Kelly mumbled sleepily into Jay's chest.

"I know Buddy." Jay whispered to his friend who had already fallen back to sleep.

"He spent most of his childhood taking care of me...Benny couldn't handle my mental illness and left when he was so young...not too long later I heard he got someone pregnant...Katie...Kelly didn't know about her until just a few years ago...I never knew who she was...Benny was in and out...and I loved him...or thought I did...anyway when he would break up with the flavor of the month he would always come back to Kelly and I...he loved Kelly...was so proud of him...he just...he wouldn't grow up."

"We will get him through this." Jay told her.

"He will try and do everything on his own...he clearly has an attachment to you...keep checking in on him?"

"I intend to."

"Thank you Jay." She said as she stood up, tucking the blanket around her son. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Jay said to her as she shut off the lights in her son's bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

Chicago Fire

What Will Define You

Season 7 Episode 7

* * *

"When you get off shift can you meet me at Benny's?" Kelly asked Stella as he was standing in his fathers doorway.

"Sure. You want me to bring anything?" She asked him.

"No. Mom and I are there now."

"If you think of anything..."

"We are good." Kelly said before abruptly hanging up the phone, leaving Stella hanging as Casey walked by.

"How's he doing?"

"Halstead stayed with him last night. They are at Benny's now to start going through his stuff."

"Jay still with him?"

"Don't think so." Stella answered.

Casey pulled out his phone and dialed Jay's number. "Halstead." He answered.

"Last night..."

"Was rough."

"You with him now?"

"No, had to go in...bringing them lunch later and told him I would stay again tonight."

"On a scale of Anna to Shay..."

"Closer to Anna."

"Anything we can do here?"

"He said he wanted to try and have a CFD Funeral but that those are usually for line of duty deaths...if you guys can come up with anything for that?"

"I will talk to the Chief."

"Thanks Casey." Jay said, "How's Stella? He was worried about her."

"We are good here. Call if you need us."

"She right there?"

"Yeah."

"Gotcha. Jenny has my number now too but I think they will be fine...he is on a mission...until he burns himself out...figure he will be fine until tonight...kept calling out to Shay in his sleep."

"Like I said...anything we can do here...I will talk to you later." Casey said getting off the phone.

"I want to be there." Stella told Matt as he pocketed his phone.

"He needs a friend more than a girlfriend...he always thinks he is Benny and ends up doing what Benny did by trying to not do what Benny did...give him space but keep checking in...after the funeral...then you can push a bit more...when he comes back to work too early...you push a lot more."

"How am I am suppose to know..."

"You know Sev...you can tell."

"What are you going to talk to Boden about?"

"CFD Honors at the funeral...its a long shot...but Gris and the Severides...if it will happen for anyone it will be for Benny." Casey said as the alert went off for a call.

"Mom you don't have to do this." Kelly said as they walked into Benny's living room.

"Despite what he felt about marriage Kelly, I vowed..."

"Mom don't..."

"I am helping."

"Just...the apartment manager said he is paid through the end of the month...just help me sort through what we can sell, what we should donate and what I need to go through later. He at least already added me to his bank account so that makes things a little easier."

"Did he have a will?"

"Sort of...he left his stuff to me and Katie...life insurance policies in both of our names. Didn't have anything for anything else though."

"I will start in his bedroom. You start out here...your father used to throw paperwork in kitchen drawers as much as his file cabinets so you might want to start there."

"He has a safe in his closet too. My birthday to open the thing."

"I will go through his clothes and get as much boxed up as I can."

"Save all the CFD stuff...toss or donate the rest."

"You got it Baby." She said as she walked into the bedroom, turning to look back at her son as he leaned over the kitchen counter looking like he wanted to puke. Once he found the drawer he was looking for he got to work and she went into the bedroom.

"Lunch delivery." Jay said as he let himself into the apartment a few hours later where he found Jenny pulling a large garbage bag towards the front door.

"Hey Jay."

"Garbage?"

"Clothes to donate." She said nodding to a couple other bags. "The keep and toss are in two piles in the bedroom still."

"I can take those and drop them off at the shelter if you want." Jay said as he set sandwiches on the kitchen counter looking down at his friend who was sitting on the kitchen floor sorting papers from the bottom drawer.

"That would be great." Kelly said looking up but not stopping what he was doing.

"You guys making progress or..."

"Doesn't feel like it." Kelly mumbled as he slammed the now empty drawer shut.

Jay knelt down next to him and picked up the stack of papers and put them in the filing box for Kelly, "Come eat." He said pulling the sandwiches out along with small bags of chips and some water bottles. Jenny grabbed food for herself and went over to the dining table and sat down to eat, giving the two as much privacy as she could.

"Need to keep working." Kelly said, trying to push past Jay who grabbed both of his arms, stopping him in his place and looking him in the eye until Kelly finally looked him in the eye, his eyes filling with tears immediately.

Jay kept his hands on Kelly's arms for strength until he relaxed, "Eat first." Jay said again, this time getting a nod from Kelly. "You talk to anyone at 51?" Jay asked once Kelly had taken his first bite.

"They've all been checking in...Stella...Casey...Boden all called, the rest texting...seems like it has been a busy day though."

"You told Stella to meet you here after shift."

"You think we will finish before that?"

"No. But you need a break. Why don't you go to breakfast or something with her?"

"Have you talked to Katie at all?"

"Her mom put her to work...she said she wanted to stop by tonight and make dinner."

"She go by the firehouse?"

"Why would she go by the firehouse when she knows I am not there?"

"Sev...her and Otis? She did spend a lot of time over there before she moved to Colorado."

"They haven't said anything if she did." Kelly said shrugging as he finished his sandwich.

"Other than taking those clothes to the shelter there anything I can do?"

"Come back and drag his ass home tonight." Jenny said with a smile before she snuck into the bedroom to get back to work.

"Harder than you thought?" Jay said gathering up the garbage from their lunches and throwing it away.

"I know more about him now than I did when he was alive...its fucked up man."

"I will be back here when Voight lets me leave...we have the FBI breathing down our necks right now so we aren't getting any new cases...just helping with this one when they let us...which means me stalking Will or sitting in the dumb office. Pretty sure Ruz and Hailey are a thing now."

"Really? I thought Ruzek still had a thing for Burgess?"

"Eh that's been over for a while."

"Thanks Jay."

"I told Hank about Benny. You need me I am here." Jay said pulling Kelly into him as he stood up. "I got you Bud." He whispered when Kelly pushed his head into Jay's shoulder.

"I need..." Kelly whispered into his shoulder.

"She is here." Jay whispered to him earning a whimper.

When Kelly lifted his head up his eyes were bloodshot and he looked exhausted, "You are a close second."

"We will get through this." Jay promised him moving from the hug to squeezing each of Kelly's arms, the two stared at each other until Kelly finally nodded. "I will be back about seven."

"Mom I am going to help Jay bring those bags down." Kelly called into the bedroom.

"Okay Baby." She answered and the two knew she had been in their crying by the sound of her voice.

"She doing okay?" Jay asked as he threw the last bag into his truck.

"Better than I thought...she has been doing really good...worried that Benny...that will throw her off."

"You call. I am here." Jay said as he climbed into the driver seat. When Kelly tapped the door and stepped back Jay nodded to him and drove off.

"Yeah Stella?" Jay answered, not two minutes later.

"How is he?"

"Taking a load of clothes to the shelter and he has filled a few file boxes with stuff to sort out later."

"Not what I asked Halstead."

"You want to put me on speaker now?"

"Hey Halstead." He heard Casey say a couple seconds later.

"Everyone there?" Jay asked, smiling.

"Pretty much." Herrmann answered. "How is the Lieutenant?"

"He is pushing through. His Mom is helping him go through Benny's place." Jay started.

"Did he eat?" Brett asked.

"I brought them lunch and left with a bunch of clothes for the shelter." Jay said.

"Is he...?" Casey started to ask.

"Severide is Severide. Right now he wants to do everything on his own. I will be back out there tonight."

"Did he sleep last night?" Herrmann asked.

"Some. It will take a while for him to come to terms with this...he was struggling before Benny died...and you all know how they were."

"The kid idolized his old man." Herrmann mumbled. "We want to help Halstead, if there is anything for us to do..."

"I will talk to him tonight...all he had really said is that he wants a CFD Funeral for Benny."

"I will see what I can do." Mouch said.

"I already made it so my unit is doing the motorcade for the funeral...I think it is going to be Saturday but he is waiting on conformation from the church."

"Open or closed?" Stella asked.

"Closed, last I heard."

"How is he really?" Casey asked.

"You guys know how he handles things...he is asking for help so..."

"From you." Stella mumbled.

"He asked you to go there after shift...that is big for him." Casey told her.

"Severide is struggling. You guys know him. Keep reaching out and checking on him... he sees the messages...hears you guys even if he doesn't ask for anything now he appreciates it." Jay said, "Anyway...I have to drop this stuff at the shelter and get back to work. You guys all stay safe." Jay said hanging up on them.

Once Jay was back sitting at his desk he sent a text to Kelly, 'Your house cares. Don't shut them out.'

A few minutes later he got one back, 'Don't like attention. Think I am going to send mom home.'

'Don't like the idea of you being there alone.' Jay told him.

'When Katie comes I will have her leave. Happy?'

'Don't know if happy is the right word.'

'Will you be here for dinner?'

'If you want.'

'I want.'

'I will be there then.' Jay said before putting his phone down and getting back to work.

Kelly ended up sending his mom home around five, Katie arrived at six and wrapped her older brother in a big hug.

"I love you Big Brother." She said through her tears. When Kelly sat down on the couch next to his younger sister he wiped his eyes on his sleeve trying to hide his emotion from her, "Please don't hide from me." She said, leaning into his side.

"I have been so mad at him...I don't even know why I am so..." Kelly mumbled, looking at his sister.

"Kelly he was our Dad...we love him...loved...as awful as he could be...he could be that amazing too."

"I wish I would have known you growing up." Kelly said, pulling his sister into him, "It would have been easier not going through everything alone."

"We have each other now." Katie smiled, "Now...how can I help?"

"I have November to get all this stuff out of here..."

"What are you doing with it?"

"Donating everything."

"You aren't keeping anything?"

"CFD stuff I guess...I haven't really seen anything though..."

"You should keep the pictures Kell..."

"Maybe."

"Kelly." Katie looked at her brother.

"This is hard."

"Where is Stella?"

"On shift."

"You pushing her away?" When Kelly just looked down at his hands she put her hand on his arm, "Jay?" Kelly nodded, "I don't want my big brother to be alone."

"I'm not...you are here." Kelly smiled as he pulled her into him.

"Is Jay coming over here for dinner too?"

"Yeah."

"Okay...lets get some stuff done before I start cooking then." Katie said pulling her big brother up off the couch. "Lets start in the bathroom. Most all of that stuff will get thrown away so it will be quick and easy and one thing you can check off your to do list." She smiled. She was right, the bathroom was easy. Benny only had the essentials and was a neat freak despite being so disorganized and they had the bathroom emptied minus TP, a towel and hand soap within fifteen minutes.

They moved onto the bedroom from there and finished going through the closet, quickly packing up the CFD stuff for Kelly to go through later and trashing the rest. The dresser they blew through quickly as well, finding a few photos and trinkets that got thrown in a box for Kelly to go through later. "Can you list the big furniture to sell?" Kelly asked his sister once they had the bed stripped and the blankets and sheets in a bag to be donated.

"Sure. Bed, dresser, side tables, couch and table?"

"And his desk."

"You sure you don't want to keep that?"

"I am sure."

"I am not listing it yet. Take a day to think about it...to go through his office... I am going to start dinner and then will list the stuff...you start in the office." She said, giving him a job this time.

He stared at Katie as she set to work in the kitchen before getting up and making his way into the office, sitting down in Benny's chair and putting his head in his hands on his crossed arms down on the desk. There was no computer, the desk looked pristine. When he finally opened the drawers though he found journal after journal, Benny had kept records of all of his old fires, with a little bit of life mixed in. He pulled out the first one and started to read.

When Jay arrived a little after six he let himself in and saw Katie in the kitchen. After saying hi to her she pointed him to the office where she could see her brother as he sat, in the same position for well over an hour. "What is he doing?"

"Benny's journals...I am pretty sure he only made it to page three...I just heard him flip once...like an hour ago."

"Do you know what is in them?"

"He told me about them a few years ago... basically diaries...after a really bad fire... I think the one where Boden got burned one of the counselors told them all to start writing...so he wrote about the calls...and the divorces...and us..."

"Do you need help with anything?"

"Help my brother see that he isn't Benny?" Katie said with a sad smile. "Dinner will be done in about ten minutes but it is fine if it takes longer."

Jay walked in behind Kelly and rubbed Kelly's shoulders until he leaned back into his touch, leaning his head into Jay's stomach, "Speed bump?" Jay asked his friend.

"The day he left my mom." Kelly said handing him the spiral notebook.

"And you." Jay said after reading the first two sentences and setting the journal back on the desk.

"He never acted like things got to him."

"The Hero veil is falling?"

"Benny was a hero." Kelly said, barely above a whisper.

"So are you."

"Doesn't feel like it."

"Do you think it did to him?"

"No...he hated it when people would call him a Hero...but he always said he was...but he said it with such hate..."

"You know as well as I do that you don't get the title of Hero without sacrifice...for Benny that sacrifice was family."

"It didn't have to be like that though." Kelly said, emotion thick on his voice.

"What is done is done...Benny is gone now."

"If he wouldn't have been alone he might not be." Kelly said, sounding like a small child.

"Sev." Jay said moving around so he was leaning against the desk facing Kelly, keeping his hand on him as he moved around. "Benny is gone."

Kelly looked up to Jay with tears in his eyes and leaned into Jay who held his head into him, "Benny is dead."

"Yeah Buddy...this nightmare is real."

"The last thing I said to him..."

"Benny knew you loved him." Katie said walking in and going to the other side of her brother.

"I shouldn't have said..."

"Kelly what you said was true." Katie told him, "Even if you were pissed when you said it...Boden took you in and let you hang out at 51 after Benny left...he didn't make you stop coming...and when your Mom...when she was struggling he gave you a safe place to stay for the night...let you use his bunk anytime you needed it. He pushed for you to go to the academy...checked in on you all the time and even though Grissom gave you your start as soon as a spot opened at 51 he made sure it was yours."

"How do you...?"

"Benny told me. He knew what the Chief did for you...Benny was so proud of who you were and he knew that it wasn't because he raised you...he called himself your handicap even..." Katie told him and Kelly finally turned to look at his sister. "Benny was so proud of you Kelly...he told everyone...except apparently you."

"How are you so...calm?" Kelly asked his sister.

"Benny and I...I dunno...I was never close to him...he left when I was so little and I didn't see him again until a few years ago and we caught up and I guess we stayed in contact but he was never like a Dad Dad to me...he was to you."

"I'm sorry I am...is dinner ready?" Kelly asked, straightening up and looking at Jay.

"Yeah... dinner is ready." Katie said walking back into the kitchen. The three sat around the table eating in silence, watching Kelly as he tried to process. Once Kelly finished, Katie cleared their plates and quickly washed the dishes. "Kelly I think you should call it good for tonight and start again in the morning."

"I have more I need to do." Kelly said, but then seeing Jay's eye he continued, "I won't stay all night."

"I love you." She said walking over to her big brother and wrapping him in a tight hug. He eventually put his arms around her and held her tight to him, when he loosened his hold she straightened back up, "Call me if you need anything, I will be around."

"Thanks for dinner Katie." Jay smiled as he got up, "I will help you bring this stuff out to your car." The two left Kelly alone in the apartment and made sure that Katie made it safely to her car before walking back in.

Kelly was throwing all of the journals haphazardly into a box and looked like he wanted to punch something. Once he had thrown the last one Jay stepped between Kelly and the box and crossed his arms. "Where are we staying tonight?"

"I am fine Halstead...I don't need a babysitter."

"Let me buy you a drink then."

"Don't think there is anything strong enough."

"Come on. We are going to my place tonight." Jay said as he walked to the door, turning off the lights as he went.

"I dont think I should drive."

"That's fine." Jay told him as he pushed him out the door, locking it behind them. As they walked down to his truck he sent his mom a text telling her that he was taking him home so she wouldn't worry.

"You need to update everyone else too?"

"They care you asshole and I was telling your Mom you wouldn't be home tonight since she is staying at your place."

"They should mind their own business." Kelly mumbled as he climbed into the passenger seat, "Why the hell do you have a big truck anyway? I thought you had a bike."

"Chicago is cold. This I can go anywhere."

"Halstead why are you putting up with me?" Kelly asked a few minutes later as Jay pulled into his driveway.

"Because I know what you are feeling." Jay told him as he climbed out of the truck. "Come on."

Jay led him into his house, the one that had been Erin's and nodded to the kitchen before going in and jumping in the shower. When he finished he threw on some sweats and an old Army shirt before pulling out Kelly's bag and walking out to find him. "Go take a shower." he said as he tossed his duffel at him, "Pretty sure you haven't had one in a while."

"Thanks." Kelly said as he got up from the stool he sat in at the kitchen counter and made his way into the bathroom. When he finished he got as far as wrapping the towel around his waist before he froze... the reflection he saw in the mirror was Benny. Instead of punching the mirror he sank to the floor and let out a weak call to his friend who of course had been listening and was in there in an instant.

Jay pulled Kelly's clothes out and handed him his boxers and then his sweats before he pushed him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Kelly collapsed onto the bed. "Not going to leave you." Jay said as he covered Kelly with the blanket, crawling in next to him.

As soon as Kelly put his head on Jay's chest he was out, and he stayed asleep through Jay's alarm the next morning. Jay quietly got out of bed and called Hank, telling him he would be in late before he called Stella. "Come to my apartment. The door will be unlocked." Jay told her.

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah...he is actually sleeping." Jay said, and when he heard Kelly start to rustle around in bed he went back in and sat down, Kelly curling himself into his side, resting his head on his leg.

"How did dinner go last night?"

"It was fine. Katie is awesome, not sure how Benny ended up with kids like they are though."

"I am leaving 51 now, will be to your place in about twenty minutes."

"Stay calm when you are around him...he can feel your energy."

"Is that how you do it?"

"I will see you when you get here." He said hanging up on her and putting his hand down on Kelly's shoulder. "I wish you could see you how other people see you." Jay mumbled when he felt Kelly's breathing change and he knew he was awake.

"Could say the same about you Bud." Kelly mumbled back.

"Pretty sure you did." Jay smiled.

"Last night I saw Benny in the mirror."

"Wont be the last time either."

"I hate it."

"Me too."

"How do you deal?"

"I call a Buddy of mine after I get kicked off a case and go and get myself shot."

"Right...yeah...that didn't turn out so great." Kelly said pushing in where the bullet had gone through his friends side.

"You didn't let me push you away."

"I am scared to let her in."

"Can you try today Kelly?" Jay asked, squeezing his friends shoulder earning a slight nod. "Thanks Bud." Jay said, pulling Kelly into his side.

"Guys?" Stella called out as she let herself into the dark apartment.

"Bedroom." Jay answered. The guys didn't move from where they were when she walked in and Jay knew it made Stella little uncomfortable, "Have a good shift?" He asked when she walked in, turning on the light as she came in.

"Was slow." She shrugged, walking slowly into the bedroom and looking around as she walked closer to Jay's bed.

"You can sit." Jay smiled, looking down at Kelly who had closed his eyes again and was taking slow deep breaths.

"I don't think he has slept this late...uh ever." Stella said sitting down at the foot of the bed.

"Touch makes a huge difference. Skin to skin contact... helps him to feel safe." Jay told her as he brushed his hand up and down Kelly's bare back.

"Is this...like, normal?" Stella asked.

"Erin was always all about touch... hugging, holding a hand...our unit...when we have a rough case...we are a family and for us...yeah this is normal... Shay used to do the same thing with Sev...and Erin helped him after she was killed so for him...when I lost my dad...he did it for me so yeah it is normal." Jay tried to explain.

"He doesn't let people in." Stella said, thinking that her boyfriend was asleep.

"He has lost pretty much everyone he has let in." Jay told her, "His Dad...Andy...Shay...Anna...our boy has had a rough road."

"I never see you guys talk..but when Benny...you know so much about each other." Stella questioned.

"We both grew up in Chicago...PD and CFD has a lot of cross over...and we hang out at the same places...we also go fishing." Jay shrugged. "Easy to talk to someone when you don't have to explain..."

"How much is left to do for Benny?"

"Funeral plan and finish cleaning out the apartment. He has time though."

"We should go over there." Kelly mumbled, pushing himself up and leaning his shoulder into Jay.

"You are awake." Stella said surprised. Kelly nodded and finally looked at her, scared of her reaction.

"I am going to head to the station. You still have the key?" Jay asked his friend who nodded, "Take your time." He smiled at his friend as he climbed out of his bed. He grabbed his clothes, quickly changed in the bathroom and left.

"I love you, you know that right?" Stella asked Kelly as he climbed out of the bed, grabbing clean clothes from the duffel in the bathroom.

"I don't have my car here." Kelly told her once he was ready to leave.

"I got you." Stella said as they walked out the front door. Kelly threw his arm around her shoulder after he locked the door and kissed her cheek.

"Can you help me at Benny's?" He asked her once they were in her car.

"That is why I am here."

"I think my mom is meeting us there." He told her as she drove the few miles to his father's place. He didn't say anything else as she drove but did hold her hand when she reached over. It was difficult for him to even have her there, he didn't want her to think of him as weak and even though she was there for him after Anna had passed, this was different.

When they walked into Benny's place Kelly's mom was already there and packing up the kitchen things into boxes to donate. "Morning." Kelly said walking over and hugging her from behind.

"Morning Baby. Hi Stella." She said, smiling at her son's girlfriend, "Jay head to work?"

"Yeah." Kelly mumbled as he walked over to Benny's desk and got back to work.

"Where can I help?" Stella asked.

"You can start packing up the filing cabinet into boxes. I am going to go through all that stuff later." Kelly said, nodding to the filing cabinet behind him.

The three worked in near silence, questions directed to Kelly every few minutes. Kelly seemed preoccupied and kept mumbling with his mom about a medal that was no where to be found. That evening when they still hadn't found it Stella convinced Kelly to let her take it on to track it down from Benny's many exes and when she left for her shift she felt a little better. He was finally letting her help him and she knew just how huge that was.

"Hey Bud." Jay said into the phone when Kelly called him. "You get everything done at Benny's?"

"Cant find his medal...Carter Harrison Award for Distinguished Service...he used to talk about being buried with it."

"Stella said she was on the hunt for it."

"What do I do when she doesn't find it?" Kelly asked, not at all surprised that his girlfriend had talked to Jay.

"Life goes on." Jay said, "What is your plan for tonight?"

"Going to be here a while. Want to finish."

"Your Mom still with you?"

"Yeah. His bedroom is empty except the furniture. Same for the kitchen and bathroom. Office is almost packed up."

"Service is Saturday?"

"Yeah."

"We will do the procession." Jay said, referring to his unit, giving him a guaranteed way to be there for his friend.

"Going with Boden tomorrow to meet with someone to try and get full honors...I know it is a long shot but..."

"Worth a try."

"It okay if I head to your place when I am done here?"

"You know it is. We have a case but I will be there eventually."

"Thanks Man." Kelly said before hanging up the phone.

"You staying at his place again tonight Honey?" His mom asked, walking into the office where Kelly had spent most of the day.

"Yeah...that way you can use the bedroom." He said, knowing they both knew that wasn't the reason.

Jay let himself into his condo around two in the morning and found Kelly asleep in his bed. He crawled in next to him and reached his hand over, laying his arm on his friend's chest, this time Kelly rolled over and pulled Jay's head onto his chest. The two falling asleep almost instantly at the contact and the comfort they provided each other. Jay's phone rang four hours later and Kelly reached over and answered it without waking Jay, "Severide." He said.

"Where is Halstead?" Hank grumbled into the phone.

"Sleeping." Kelly answered.

"Tell him I need him in an hour."

"You got it." Kelly said as he shook his arm, waking Jay gently.

"And Severide, sorry about your old man. He was a good guy."

"Thanks Sarge." Kelly said before hanging up Jay's phone.

"How long do I have?" Jay mumbled, snuggling himself into Kelly, still half asleep.

"Hour."

"What times it?"

"Six."

"What doing today?"

"Finishing everything. Last day before the funeral."

"Stella find the medal?"

"Not yet."

"She will." Jay said as he stretched out onto his back.

"This sucks."

"Especially this early." Jay grumbled as he sat up. "What time are you meeting Boden?"

"Eight."

Kelly got there way early and stood outside pacing until he saw the Chief, "Thanks for this." he said as they walked in.

"Least I could do. How you feeling?"

"Got tons to do. Not much time." Kelly answered, not wanting to break down.

"That's not what I mean." Boden said, but before Kelly had to answer they were called into the office. He watched as Kelly's frustration grew as he got the answer they knew was coming. "Why don't you come by the house for an hour, have lunch with your people?" The Chief tried, getting instantly shut down. He knew he had to do something to show Kelly how much he meant to Chicago.

As soon as Kelly reached his car he felt the tears fall from his eyes and he just started driving, just before he lost cell signal he got a call from Jay, "You want to get away for the night?" Jay asked.

"Headed to the cabin. Come out when you can." Kelly answered quickly.

"You have clothes?"

"No...just got in and drove."

"I will stop by your place and grab stuff and will bring dinner...Hey Sev...try to breathe. I will be there soon." The man said before hanging up.

When Jay got up to the cabin the sun was beginning to set over the lake and he saw the outline of Kelly sitting on the bank, no fishing pole in sight. He deposited the bags inside the cabin before grabbing a jacket and chair and walking down to join his friend. "Take it your meeting didn't go over so well."

"It was a long shot." Kelly mumbled.

"My idiot brother keeps interfering with the FBI's investigation."

"What did he do?"

"Keeps checking in on the guy...he isn't even an official patient but I guess he has legitimate health issues and Will keeps saying it is malpractice or some shit if he doesn't get him treated but if he would just shut up and wait for the FBI to get what they need he can be treated in custody."

"What is so urgent that Will doesn't want to wait?"

"Said he could have a stroke or something...I dunno...Will is stressing over nothing because the guys hall is where him and Nat are suppose to have their wedding...somehow he didn't know the guy was dirty but..."

"No offence man but your brother spent all his time with his nose in a book and not in the real world...not sure why you would expect any different."

"Its crazy how we grew up in the same house...we see things totally differently..."

"You also went off to war when he went to school."

"Eh...it is more than that... Dad always went after Mom or me...never him...he never saw that side of him."

"Because his nose was in a book instead of trying to protect your mom...thats why he went at you right? You would get in the middle?"

"Was Benny the same way?"

"Nah...when stuff got rough he would walk away...come up here and leave me to deal with my mom...when he finally had enough he really left...talked his way into living with Katie's mom I guess...stayed there a few years but then wanted to come back to Chicago...bounced around after that...would marry the ones who wanted the commitment then divorce them when he was done with what he wanted or needed or whatever..."

"Do you have everything done for the funeral? It is the day after tomorrow."

"His place is cleared out. Gave the keys back to the manager this morning. As far as the ceremony and stuff I guess it is ready...I have to come up with something to say...Katie didn't want to...we are doing a traditional mass...then going to bury him...no reception but Herrmann said we can take it back to his place after if we want."

"Did you ever find the medal you were looking for?"

"No...it wasn't in his place."

"Is it here?"

"Nah...he never brought anything personal up here...canned food, a couple books and fishing gear."

"What made you come up here today?"

"Wanted to run."

"You mean you wanted to feel Benny."

"Maybe."

"You eat anything today?"

"No."

"Come on." Jay said standing up and reaching out his hand, "Come eat...then you need to sleep."

"You have stayed with me every night since he died."

"I told you I've got your back." Jay told him as they walked into the cabin.

"Pizza?" Kelly smirked when he walked in and saw it on the small kitchen counter.

"Sounded better than beans." Jay deadpanned. The two quickly demolished the pizza standing around in the kitchen before Kelly went over and plopped onto the old leather couch. "Think out loud." Jay said as he wiped down the counter and threw the box into the fireplace and quickly lighting it.

"My parents really screwed me up."

"Pretty sure everyone thinks the same thing at some point in their lives."

"Mental illness and running away."

"Patience, compassion and abandonment issues."

"So how do I open myself up and let someone in?"

"Why do you talk to me?"

"No fucking clue." Kelly said, turning to face his friend with a smirk.

"Smart ass."

"I don't know man...I guess it just scares the crap out of me...that either I will do something stupid or I will do something and they will leave."

"Have you talked to Stella about that?" Jay asked sitting down on the couch, finally satisfied with the fire. "I mean she has known you a while...was there for you after Anna died."

"Yeah...as a friend...it is different now that she is..."

"That is the thing though Bud...she is still your friend...you just get the extras now."

As the two sat talking it didn't take long before they were trading stories of the good times with their Dad's, taking turns supporting each other as the waves of sadness ebbed and flowed until they fell asleep leaning into each other. Kelly woke up a short time later with a shiver as the fire had died down, "Should sleep in the bed Bud." he said, rousing Jay from slumber and leading him over to the bed.

"Its nice...having someone I can talk to again." Jay said sleepily as he laid down on his back under the thick quilt.

"You call, I will always answer."

"Cant promise that."

"If I am alive, you call, I will answer."

"Our jobs..."

"I know." Kelly said, flopping his arm across Jay's chest, "You are right though, it is nice to have you help me through this..."

The next morning the two drove back into Chicago, had breakfast at the diner and then Jay went into work. Kelly went to the funeral home to make the final payment, then he met with the new Chaplain one more time before heading back to his apartment where his mom sat on the couch waiting for him, "You up at the cabin hiding again?"

"I wasn't hiding."

"Jay came by and got your bag...you didn't even tell me you were leaving."

"I finished at the funeral home and met with the Chaplain this morning. Everything is done."

"Did you want to take a break then and go get lunch Baby?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Kelly."

"I have things I need to do."

"You just said everything is done."

"I have things to do."

"You are too much like your Father." Jenny said with a sad smile.

"I am not Benny!" Kelly roared before slamming himself into his room.

He collapsed onto his bed and pulled on his own hair until he cooled down, hearing his Mom in the living room crying he knew he should get up and apologize but he just couldn't deal with that. He didn't want her to see him break down.

'Mom said Stella was looking for Benny's award. Just dropped it off at 51. How are you doing?' His phone alerted him and he felt the tears flow from his eyes.

'Thank you. Will pick you up in the morning.' He sent back before sending a text to Jay, 'At home. Need you. Turning phone off.'

Before he had a chance to turn it off Jay sent one back, 'Two hours. Will bring dinner.' Kelly felt the rush of tears again as he shut off his phone. Twenty-four hours from that moment his father would be in the ground. No CFD send off, no real family...no happy family slideshow...Benny was a lone ranger...and his mom said he was like his father...

Jay let himself into Kelly's place where he found Jenny sitting at the kitchen counter. "He has been locked in there since he got home." She said to Jay as he set Chinese takeout on the counter.

"Welcome to eat." Jay said nodding to the food before squeezing her shoulder and walking through the living room towards Kelly's bedroom. He opened the door and flipped on the light, finding Kelly passed out across his bed. Jay sat down next to his shoulder and wiped the still wet tear track from his friends cheek.

"Katie had the medal." He mumbled without opening his eyes.

"Had?"

"Dropped it with Stella."

"Talk to me Severide."

"She said I was too much like my father."

"Katie?"

"No...my mom."

"Oh." Jay said, now understanding and scooting closer, patting his leg and Kelly lifted his head and snuggled into his friend for comfort. "I could bet a million that Benny would never do this." Jay smirked.

Kelly rolled onto his back and looked up at his friend, "What if I end up alone?"

"You wont."

"Jay..."

"Kelly."

"You never use my first name."

"Brought dinner."

"Not hungry."

"Eat anyway...I know you wont tomorrow." Jay said, nudging his friend who finally got up and went into the kitchen.

"Sorry." Kelly said as he walked over to his mom, wrapping her in a hug."

"I love you Baby." She smiled to him.

After Jay and Kelly finished off the Chinese food Jay followed Kelly back into his bedroom, "Will you stay with me?" Kelly asked him leaving the door open in case his mom needed anything.

"I have to go to the CPD in the morning to swap cars but other than that I will be where you are all day."

"I want to go to the cabin tomorrow once I am done with everything...take a few days out there. Would be nice to have company."

"I will talk to Voight and see what I can do...can be there at night for sure."

"Thanks Bud." Kelly said.

"Come lay down." Jay said, grabbing the remote from the side table and flipping on the small television in his bedroom before propping himself up against the headboard. Kelly crawled under the blankets next to him, laying his head on Jay's lap and looking up at the screen. Jay put his hand on his shoulder and rubbed his thumb into his arm, "Just try to relax Bud."

They ease at which Jay took care of Kelly it was obvious he was a big brother and from Jenny's point of view on the couch that was exactly what he needed. He didn't need his mom who had divorced his father and spent years blaming the man for everything that was wrong in her life, he needed a friend...someone who would protect him, take care of him and the way that Jay had stepped in starting with that first call from the hospital she knew that the two were exactly what the other needed.

Jay heard the from door open a couple hours later and heard Jenny say hi to Stella. "Is Kelly here?" She asked, walking further into his place.

"He's a bit wrecked, they went to bed." Jenny said, nodding to the open door that Stella could see inside.

"Oh, I uh guess I should do the same."

"Don't feel like you have to." Jenny said, finally opening herself up to letting Stella in...for her to keep checking in on her boy despite how much he was pushing away...it was obvious to any Momma that she loved her son.

"How'd today go?"

"Uh...surreal?" She said with a smile, "It's funny, Benny spent all his life improvising from one day to the next. But when it came to his death he had it all planned out. Kelly's running himself ragged trying to do everything exactly how Benny wanted...I don't know if its about contrition or closure or what...I'm glad he has you to rely on."

"I'm...I'm barely doing anything." Stella said, defeated.

"Oh you're doing enough. I'm sure Kelly would tell you himself, but he is lousy at expressing things like that. You're good for him Stella...it's easy to see."

"Thanks." Stella said, surprised she was being so nice.

"The way you've been there for him...helping him find this medal...means more than you know."

"We did find it." Stella told her with a small smile, "Benny gave it to Katie...she brought it into the firehouse today, that is what I came to tell him."

"You have no idea what that will mean to him." Jenny smiled, reaching out to hug her son's girlfriend.

"I dropped it off to have it cleaned, will pick it up in the morning and will bring it to the church with me."

"Oh Honey, thank you." She said with tears in her eyes, looking in where her son was sleeping and seeing Jay smile back to her.

"Wish he would let me in like he does Halstead." Stella said, seeing where Jenny's focus had shifted.

"Jay and him are like brothers. They drink, they fish, they are there for each other...Jay told me how Kelly took care of him after his father died a couple months ago...it isn't the same...the way Kelly looks at you...it is how Benny used to look at me."

"That is what I am afraid of."

"That is where Kelly is so very different from Benny...as similar as they are in every other aspect...My Kelly knows loyalty. Fierce, fierce loyalty. He is so scared of ending up like Benny that he ends up pushing people away...and really most of the women he has pushed away...they didn't even try to push back... you do... I don't think there is another soul he would have let come in and help him...and this medal...it was Benny's most prized possession...since Kelly was little all he ever heard was how his old man was a hero...and Benny was always quick to pull that damn thing out and prove to him that it was true...and you finding it...hopefully he can rest easy knowing he gave Benny what he wanted."

"Do you think it would be okay if I went in there and woke him up?" Stella asked his mom.

"Go for it Honey, Kelly left the door open."

"Hey Stella." Jay said quietly as she walked into the room, "Glad you tracked down the medal." He smiled, "This is the calmest he has slept in days."

"How do you?" She asked sitting down on the other side of Kelly, taking over rubbing his arm.

"Katie told him she gave it to you." Jay said as he reached his arm over, pulling Stella closer to the two of them. "Thank you."

"I care about him." Stella told Jay as she leaned her head against his shoulder, wrapping herself around Kelly.

"Never doubted that."

"I wish he would let me take care of his stubborn ass." Stella said, a tear sliding from her cheek.

"He did...he let you find the medal...the one thing Benny wanted most...he let you find it."

"He talks to you."

"Knows I get it." Jay shrugged, "Doesn't have to explain what he is feeling."

Stella snaked her arm under Kelly's and he hugged it to his chest, "I'm not going to run Kelly...no matter what." She promised him and Jay felt Kelly nod his head into his leg. "I will see you in the morning." When Kelly nodded again she leaned over and kissed his cheek before getting up out of the bed, "Thanks Jay." she said before walking out, turning out the light and closing the door behind her.

"Stop overthinking." Jay said as he lowered himself down into the bed, Kelly's head now resting in his armpit.

"I don't want to feel like this." Kelly whispered.

"I know Bud." Jay told him, "I know."

When Jay got up in the morning he set out Kelly's dress blues, ironing everything for him and leaving it all out and ready to go. He knew Kelly was capable, but also knew it was simple enough and would mean something to him. Jay turned Kelly's phone on for him and before leaving closed Kelly's hand around it, "Your family cares about you." He said, "Anything comes up you call me. I am going to get the patrol car, check in at your house and get your hat and then head over to the church. Hailey will be riding with me, Burgess and Kev as the tail."

"If I need you?"

"I will be there." Jay told him, "So will your Mom, Katie, Stella, Casey, The Chief, Herrmann..."

"I get it."

"You better."

"Tell me today will be over soon."

"Eat something. Shower. Shave. Get dressed. Call to confirm the limo. Go over your speech. I will see you there with your hat." Jay said before leaving, smiling when he walked out to find Jenny had made him a breakfast burrito to eat on the road. "See you soon. Call if you need anything."

As Jay was pulling up to the CFD with Hailey he got a text from Kelly, 'Fucking limo company bailed.'

"Shit." Jay said out loud as he walked through the doors at CFD.

"Anyone know of a limo company who can be at Kelly's in an hour?"

"I got you." Herrmann said, pulling out his phone, two minutes later he gave a thumbs up.

"Got you covered. Herrmann's guy will be at your place in an hour." Jay called Kelly. The conversation was quick and he could hear his mom fussing over him and it sounded like he had been crying. "Love you Brother." Jay said into the phone, "We've got you."

"Love you." Kelly choked out before hanging up.

"How's our Boy doing?" Herrmann asked as Jay pocketed his phone.

"He is Severide." Jay answered, "Let him know you are there. Being surrounded by people can still feel lonely." He told them.

"Anything we can do?" The Chief asked.

"Make sure there is a whole lotta Blue in that church."

"We are going to take our rigs. This house is officially out of service as of ten minutes ago."

"Go get ready and I will see you there." Jay shrugged. Gitty that the men and women from all shifts at 51 were there and going to show their support for their Lieutenant. "Just need to grab Kelly's hat from his desk."

"When did you get so comfortable in a fire house?" Hailey asked as Jay walked through the common area, up the stairs, through the sleeping quarters and into Kelly's room where he grabbed the hat from its perch over a picture frame in the corner.

"Ask Antonio." Jay smirked.

"We met when I was undercover dating his sister...who worked here."

"Wait...you and Gabi?"

"It was a long time ago."

"Didn't her and Casey?"

"Married...now divorced...or separated...but yes...and Voight got Casey's fiance at the time killed...we are all very intermingled." Jay managed to say with a straight face.

"Right." Hailey smiled, "You ready to go?" She asked as members of 51 were starting to make their way up in various stages of dress.

"Yeah." Jay said, leading her back out of the firehouse.

Hailey stayed with Kim and Kevin as Jay went in to find his friend who was pacing back and forth at the back of the church. "Here's your cover." Jay said handing his friend the hat before pulling him in for a hug, "Just remember to breathe...it is okay if you cry...your family loves you and we have your back."

Jay went to work helping Jenny and Katie set out all of the flowers, card baskets and programs, Jay making sure he kept an eye on Kelly at all times, and smiling when he saw Stella walk in.

"Hey Stella." Kelly said, seeing his girlfriend walk in in her dress blues.

"Hey." She said coming up and hugging him.

"Hey, sorry if I've been..."

"You don't need to apologize for anything...here...I have something for you." She said, pulling out Benny's medal.

With tears in his eyes Kelly whispered, "Thank you." Before wrapping her in a tight hug.

From there Kelly made his way through the members of 51 as they all shook his hand or hugged him, no one asked him how he was doing, no one told Benny stories...they just shared a touch and a nod. Kelly making his way to the front row with his mom and sister, Stella and the Chief in the row behind him, members of the CFD spread throughout the church. Jay in the back, where he could see everything that was to happen.

Kelly sat very statuesque until it was his turn to read his eulogy. Jay could see from the back that his hands were shaking and he willed for Kelly to look back and find him, to see his safe place...to say it to him and that was exactly what he did. "My Father was a legendary firefighter..." Jay nodded and smiled at his friend as he spoke, "But every now and then, when you needed him the most, he'd have your back whether you knew it or not. No matter what the cost...it took me...it took me too long to figure that out but I'll never forget it." He said, his voice breaking before walking up to the casket and pinning his medal to it. "Sleep tight Dad, you earned it."

As the Chief, Casey, Capp and two other members of 51 joined him at the casket the rest lined the walk outside. Jay heard over the radio that members of CFD were on their way he was glad the members of 51 were taking their time. Jay stepped outside to go to the patrol car just as several trucks from across Chicago were pulling up to the church.

He watched as Kelly looked up from the ground to see the show of support and turned to the Chief who nodded, he watched as the sunlight hit the tear that had slid from his friends eye. He listened as the Commissioner walked up to the steps.

"Detail. Attention. Present Arms." After three bells rang he continued, "Battallion Chief Benjamin Severide has returned to his quarters. He is cleared of all duties. He is gone, but never forgotten. May he rest in peace with his Brothers and Sisters Above."

As the tears streamed down Kelly's face the Chief looked to Kelly and yelled, "Ready. Step."

Jay watched as they loaded Benny's casket into the hearse before walking over to Kelly, "Proud of you Bud." Jay told his friend as Kelly pulled him into a tight hug.

"Stick close at the cemetery." Kelly said before pulling back.

"You got it." He said before the two nodded to each other and Kelly climbed into the limo and Jay walked up and got into the patrol car. They pulled out onto the road, followed by the rigs from 51 and all of the CFD Chiefs and what friends and family Benny had in attendance.

Jay took a seat at the gravesite right behind Kelly with Boden to one side of him and Casey to the other. Kelly was surrounded by Stella and his mother, Katie sitting just to the left of Jenny. The flag was folded and handed to Katie before the salute. Kelly threw the first shovel of dirt on top of Benny's casket before returning to his seat and putting his head in his hands. Jay stood behind him with his hand on his friends shoulder, Stella did the same to his right.

People walked over and gave their condolences to Jenny and Katie who stood guarding Kelly, only those from 51 bothering to cut through to reach him before leaving. Instead of returning to CPD with Hailey he told them to leave him there. He knew he would be spending the next 24 hours at least with his friend. Once nearly everyone was gone, most of 51 going to Herrmann's Kelly still remained, un-moving from his chair.

As it started to rain Stella came over with an umbrella that Jay took from her and held it over himself and Kelly, "Boden said to take his truck. I am going to go with Katie and his mom over to Herrman's for the reception. Casey and Hailey said they would drop your truck off at his place with groceries to last a few days at the cabin."

"Thank you." Kelly mumbled into his hands before taking a deep breath and looking up at his girlfriend, "I just need a minute."

"You are good Kell, I will see you at Herrmann's." She said leaning over to kiss him gently.

After the limo pulled out Kelly leaned into his friend and cried. When he picked up his head he nodded to Jay and the two walked over to Boden's truck and Jay drove them to Herrmann's house. "I do not know how to do this...paste a fake fucking smile on my face and act like everything is fine when it isn't."

"You are forgetting that the guys from your house know you. You can fake it all you want but they can see right through it."

"So what am I suppose to do? Walk in their sobbing like a damn baby cuz that is what I feel like?"

"You are human. Act like one. You feel sad-cry. You feel like laughing-laugh. Just don't hide."

"Easy to say. I saw you after your Pop's funeral."

"I was an idiot and didn't want people to see me upset...look how well that turned out."

"I want to run."

"We are going to the cabin from here. You will get your chance to run...just man up for a beat here."

"Man up huh?" Kelly smirked.

"Get plastered can happen at the cabin if you think it will help."

"Just tell me it gets easier."

"I've got your back."

"Not what I asked Halstead."

"Not going to lie to you Severide."

"Random shit...literally the most random shit brings you to your knees... I saw a fucking cig on the ground a couple days ago and forgot how to breathe...so...for now...I've got your back is the best I can do."

"Love you Brother." Kelly said climbing out of the truck and walking around to where Jay was standing and putting his arm around his shoulder, "I've got your back too...know reliving all this hasn't been easy for you and you haven't missed a beat...means a lot."

"Like I said, plastered at the cabin can happen later."

Jay and Kelly spent six days at the cabin before Boden, Casey, Voight and Ruzek showed up with fishing poles, bags of groceries and beer. "How are you doing Son?" Boden asked Kelly, walking over and pulling him into a hug. Voight doing the same to Jay.

"Think we are doing okay...been nice to get away..." Jay answered, looking over at Kelly.

"Heal." Kelly finished.

"You get many fish?" Casey asked.

"Nope." Jay and Kelly said in unison.

"Anyone else come up here to check on you?" Casey asked.

"Katie came up for a night before heading back...thought Benny would want his flag here."

"I think Hailey is getting sick of partnering with me." Hank told Jay, to which Ruzek chuckled.

"Watch it Adam...can learn a lot from Hank." Jay smiled, the two had remained close even after Erin left.

"Think we will head back into town tomorrow." Kelly told them.

"You can take more time if you need."

"Tomorrow's good." Jay agreed.

The four laughed as Jay and Kelly's movements were so in sync and they practically finished each others thoughts. Hank and Boden spent some time teaching their proteges about hard lessons learned through the years. As the sun was going down Jay noticed that Adam was sticking awfully close to him and after the kid followed him over to the cooler he finally reached his arm around him, hugging him into his side, "I am good Ruz."

"We've all been worried...you both have had your phones turned off all week." He said quietly.

"Missed you too Brother." Jay told him. He knew that Adam had been struggling since they lost Al, that the team just hadn't been the same since Erin left.

"Jay and I needed to take some time and get our heads straight." Kelly said walking over and putting his arm around Jay and squeezing Adam's shoulder. "Nice to know that he's got family at his house too."

"How are you really doing Severide?" Casey asked, walking over to the three, leaving Hank and Boden by the bank.

"It's hard...losing Benny...kinda came out of no where and I guess I never really got over losing Shay or Andy or Anna...or like processed or...you know what I mean."

"It's been a rough few years." Casey agreed, tears coming to his eyes.

"And Gabi." Jay said, before Kelly had the chance.

"She's not dead." Casey said, wiping his eye with the sleeve of his hoody.

"No...she left under her own free will...to a different fucking country." Kelly said pulling Casey into him. "We all still miss her."

"And Erin and Al." Adam said, looking over to Hank who had turned around and was listening.

"Been a rough year." Boden said as the two walked over to the group.

"We get through it together." Jay and Kelly said in unison, making the other four start laughing again.

"Dude...you two totally share a brain or something now." Adam smiled.

"It is kinda creepy." Casey agreed.

"I don't think so." The two said in unison again, "We've spent a lot of time together in the last few weeks."

"You are coming back tomorrow?" Hank asked.

"Yeah." Kelly and Jay both answered.

"You guys need anything for tonight?" Boden asked.

"No, we are good." They answered together.

"Guess we will see you Monday then." Hank said, looking towards Boden.

"Thanks for coming out here." The two echoed before giving the other men hugs goodbye. Jay lingering in Hank's embrace, Kelly in Boden's. Both of the younger men allowing tears to fall as their bosses, their father figures, held them close.

The two walked into the cabin, tears still falling from their eyes as they listened to the truck drive down the road. They leaned into each other as they sat down on the couch and held each other as they both cried. They had done this several times throughout the week but this felt different. They knew they were at the end of their escape, neither were truly ready to go back but they were both overly stubborn.

The morning would bring a new day and despite leaving the cabin, Kelly went home with Jay rather than his place, he just wasn't ready to face the world quite yet. Kelly sat and listened to all of his voicemails, reading all of his texts as Jay did laundry and flipped through the channels on the tv. They barely spoke, ate left overs as they got hungry and eventually went to bed both in Jay's room, falling asleep only after Kelly flopped his arm over Jay's chest.


End file.
